Leaving

If you have decided to leave, it is best if you can plan this carefully. Sometimes abusers will increase their violence if they suspect you are thinking of leaving, so this can be a particularly dangerous time for you.

'QUICK EXIT'

Plan to leave at a time you know they will not be around. Try to take everything you will need with you, including any important documents relating to yourself and your children, as you may not be able to return later. Take your children with you, otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that the head and all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be collecting the children in future.

Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately - or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options and think about how you could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.

What to pack if you are planning to leave

Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be able to pack in your 'emergency bag'.

  • Some form of identification.
  • Birth certificates for you and your children.
  • Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
  • Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
  • Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
  • Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
  • Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
  • Prescribed medication.
  • Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
  • Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
  • Address book.
  • Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
  • Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
  • Your children's favourite small toys.

You should also take any documentation you have relating to the abuse - e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records.

Protecting yourself after you have left

If you leave your partner / family because of abuse, you may not want people to know the reason you left. It is your decision whether or not you tell people that you have suffered domestic violence; but if you believe you may still be at risk, it might increase your safety if you tell your family and friends, your children's school, and your employer or college what is happening, so that they do not inadvertently give out any information to your ex-partner / family member. They will also be more prepared and better able to help you in an emergency.

If you have left home, but are staying in the same town or area, these are some of the ways in which you might be able to increase your safety:

  • Try not to place yourself in a vulnerable position or isolate yourself.
  • Try to avoid any places, such as shops, banks, cafes, that you used to use when you were with the abuser.
  • Try to alter your routines as much as you can.
  • If you have any regular appointments that your partner / family member knows about (for example, with a counsellor or health practitioner) try to change your appointment time and/or the location of the appointment.
  • To choose a safe route, or alter the route you take or the form of transport you use, when approaching or leaving places you cannot avoid - such as your place of work, the children's school, or your GP's surgery.
  • Tell your children's school, nursery or childminder what has happened, and let them know who will pick them up. Make sure they do not release the children to anyone else, or give your new address or telephone number to anyone. (You may want to establish a password with them, and give them copies of any court orders, if you have them.)
  • Consider telling your employer or others at your place of work - particularly if you think your partner / family member may try to contact you there.

If you have moved away from your area, and don't want your abuser to know where you are, then you need to take particular care with anything that may indicate your location; for example:

  • Your mobile phone could be 'tracked'; this is only supposed to happen if you have given your permission, but if your abuser has had access to your mobile phone, they could have sent a consenting message purporting to come from you. If you think this could be the case, you should contact the company providing the tracking facility and withdraw your permission; or if you are in any doubt, change your phone.
  • Try to avoid using shared credit or debit cards or joint bank accounts: if the statement is sent to your old address as they will see the transactions you have made.
  • Make sure that your address does not appear on any court papers. (If you are staying in a refuge, they will advise you on this.)
  • If you need to phone your abuser (or anyone with whom they are in contact), make sure your telephone number is untraceable by dialling 141 before ringing.
  • Talk to your children about the need to keep your address and location confidential.
  • If you stay or return to your home after your abuser has left, then you will probably have an occupation order or a protection order. If the injunction has powers of arrest attached, then do make sure that your local police station has a copy, and that the police know that they need to respond quickly in an emergency. In some areas, there are special schemes to ensure a rapid response by the police and in other areas there may be projects that provide advice and additional security measures to make your home safe. However, it is important to know that you do not have to stay at home - with or without an injunction - if you do not feel safe there.

You could also consider the following:

  • Changing the locks on all doors.
  • Putting locks on all windows if you don't have them already.
  • Installing smoke detectors on each floor, and providing fire extinguishers.
  • Installing an outside light (back and front) which comes on automatically when someone approaches.
  • Informing the neighbours that your partner / family member no longer lives there, and asking them to tell you - or call the police - if they see them nearby.
  • Changing your telephone number and making it ex-directory.
  • Using an answering machine to screen calls.
  • Keeping copies of all court orders together with dates and times of previous incidents and call-outs for reference if you need to call the police again.
  • If your ex-partner / family member continues to harass, threaten or abuse you, make sure you keep detailed records of each incident, including the date and time it occurred, what was said or done, and, if possible, photographs of damage to your property or injuries to yourself or others. If your partner or ex-partner / family member injures you, see your GP or go to hospital for treatment and ask them to document your visit. If you have an injunction with a power of arrest, or there is a restraining order in place, you should ask the police to enforce this; and if your ex-partner / family member is in breach of any court order, you should also tell your solicitor.

In an emergency, always call the police on 999.