I got into cannabis in my early twenties, as a way of coping with issues from my childhood. I was serving a four and a half-month prison sentence, and one day someone just gave me a joint. It made me feel more confident and relaxed, and I needed it to get me through my time in prison.
On my release, it became necessary for me to smoke it – even when I was at work I couldn’t cope without it. I got married in 1986, and the day we moved into our new home I was scoring cannabis instead of being there to help my family.
Over the years, cannabis got a grip on me. I also drank heavily and used LSD and ketamine. I was a prisoner to cannabis, and at the mercy of the dealers. It wasn’t doing my relationship with my wife any good, I was a nightmare to live with and I was burgling to fund my habit while avoiding the household bills. The sustained cannabis use made me prone to chest infections, and has resulted in long-term health problems.
I had enough of isolating myself from my wife and children, and putting scoring cannabis first. I was first assessed in Bristol because I didn’t know that South Gloucestershire provided drug and alcohol services. They helped me recognise that I was an addict, an all or nothing person. This was a real shock to me, but I really wanted to end my addiction
They referred me to South Gloucestershire Drug and Alcohol Services (SGDAS) when they realised I lived in South Gloucestershire, for an assessment for rehab. That was another shock. I thought ‘rehab is what film stars do’. But talking it through with my social worker, I agreed that if I wanted to get free for the first time in twenty years, I had to go into residential treatment.
In September 2005, I was assessed at St James Priory, Walsingham House, and admitted for a twelve-week residential rehab funded by South Gloucestershire. I cut down on my drug intake in the lead up to this (I’d packed in alcohol three years before), though I was still doing skunk (a stronger version of herbal cannabis grown by intensive indoor methods) in small amounts. I was with another ten people on the programme. I felt completely lost, I missed my family and children and I didn’t have any drugs to comfort me. It was all too much for me and I quit after 4 weeks. Before I even got home, I realised I’d made a mistake.
Maybe I wasn’t ready for rehab and trying to come to terms with my behaviour of the last twenty years at that stage. I thought that with four clean weeks behind me, I’d be OK, but my wife didn’t think I could change in that short space of time.
Emotionally I was all over the place. I was really fearful and convinced my marriage would fail. I was in a really dark place. I stayed clean for another week, but then I relapsed. I bought a bag of high-grade skunk, and left it in a cupboard at home. Then I brought it out and sniffed it and thought ‘let’s just see what it’s like, I can sell the rest’. Self-pity kicked in and after one joint I went on to smoke the whole bag.
I ended up spending up to £150 a week on skunk, thinking it would cure my anger and aggression. Now I know that the skunk was making me trapped in my own head. Even hardcore smokers can get panicky and suspicious, and instead of calming me, it gave me full blown paranoia and hallucinations. Some days I’d be driving down the M32 crying on the way to the dealers, because I really didn’t want to go.
I was still in touch with my social worker and she was a constant support. I’d called her when I discharged myself from rehab and she talked to Walsingham House about taking me back. But we agreed that being there over the Christmas period away from my family would be really tough for me.
I felt I’d failed myself and my family leaving treatment early the first time round, but my SGDAS worker and the treatment coordinator had total commitment to have faith in me a second time, and they managed to get me back into primary treatment at Walsingham House for the New Year 2006. They could have said ‘You’ve blown the funding for this’ but I felt, and they agreed, that I now had the strength to go through the twelve-week residential course.
Treatment was amazing – with ten people, I went through group work, individual counselling, relapse prevention, anger management (I think every addict is angry), budgeting and life skills. We learnt about how addiction works and how to help one another.
My wife came to the primary treatment centre for a family conference, where she could say how it was for her in a safe and open environment. My family could visit once a week and I had ‘phone contact with them. I left primary treatment with a care plan in place, and received ongoing support from the SGDAS Warmley treatment centre. Even so, it was a shock coming out of residential treatment into the community. The 1 to 1 counselling I continued to get from SGDAS really helped, and I started weekly group work with them and signed up for their ‘Motivation for Change’ course.
Primary treatment got me my confidence back. I feel ‘free’ and I’ve got a much healthier relationship with my wife, my children, and myself. I understand the effect addiction has on people, especially families – it destroys everything around you. My wife thinks I’m some sort of miracle, she can’t believe how calm and relaxed and understanding I am. I’m very happy, I no longer feel trapped, and life’s good.
My social worker told me that primary treatment was just the start. We talked through options for secondary treatment, and I was worried that I might be placed too close to the drugs culture I was determined to leave behind. My needs were taken into account and my concerns were taken seriously. I’m now starting a secondary placement at Chandos House, which involves a 16 week residential course. It’s powerful stuff, and I’m dealing with issues I haven’t dealt with before, but I’m living proof that treatment works.
A friend once said to me ‘You may have packed drink in, but you’ll never pack the cannabis in – you like it too much.’ But cannabis was a menace to me, and without it I’m a changed person.
The only bad point about SGDAS for me is that the main treatment centre is in Warmley. The new Yate centre will be so easily accessible for local people – getting to Warmley has got to put them off getting help to a certain extent. The new Yate centre is a brilliant idea, and I’d like to go there and share my story with service users, that they can do it too. If I can do it, anyone can.
The people at SGDAS kept me strong and clean, especially in the break between primary and secondary treatment. I couldn’t have done it without SGDAS. My family and I can’t thank them enough. Without SGDAS’ services, I wouldn’t be sitting here now.
I keep my induction photo that was taken when I first started treatment. I look like a dead man on it – unrecognisable. It’s really precious to me, because it reminds me how far I’ve come.